To be sure, I've done my share of personal reflections as a single - after all it's great blog fodder. Longtime loyal readers may recall such classics as The Harm in Being Nice, Waiting on a Friend, The Mind of a Matchmaker , and Top 10 Dating Questions - all of which for the most part still holds up today. And I've been guilty of offering my own Guide to Jewish Dating and another one specifically for online dating sites. But fast forward several years, countless women, forgettable dates, even more encouragement, criticism, and unsolicited advice, I am still single. However in the past few years serving as a Rabbi I've also gained a much better perspective. While my community attracts young Jews, it is by no means a "scene" which means there is significantly less communal pressure for single's to get married. Furthermore, I have personally adopted a "no dating congregants" policy, meaning my religious communal experience of synagogue attendance is uncharacteristically devoid of any pretense of trying to impress women.

Thus I write from the relatively unique perspective of being a single rabbi - aware of the struggles of others while experiencing the same challenges first hand. Consider it unintentional participant observation if you will. And with this dual perspective I have come to the following conclusion: the so-called "shidduch crisis" is a collection of myths which only exacerbate the social pressures and anxieties at the core of the Jewish single's community, specifically the denial of individuation.

Let's start with just one example of the alarmist rhetoric regarding Jewish singles. Rabbi Yoel Schonfeld writes on the Orthodox Union's website:

Shidduchim - Singles
12. Treat the topic of singles like the crisis it is. This is a plague affecting all segments of Orthodoxy and threatens our very continuity. Synagogues and organizations must put this on the front burner. Singles themselves must change attitudes. Women must put marriage before career. Men must consider the woman as a valued helpmate not just as a means of advancing their own life goals, be it career or learning. There is more to a human beings worth other than their money or looks.

There are several assumptions embedded in this paragraph which I hope to dispell one at a time.

Myth: Marriage is a Communal Issue

One would think that getting married is merely a union between two individuals who make a lifelong commitment to each other - i.e. it is a personal decision. But for R. Schonfeld, the "plague" of the shidduch crisis "threatens our very continuity." From a demographic perspective R. Schonfeld has a point; the later in life Jewish couples get married the fewer Jewish children will be born.¹

Procreation is certainly important in Judaism as evidenced by the rabbinic dictum, "the world was not created except for procreation." ². But there is no indication that the intent is simply to produce more biological Jews, and I would suspect R. Schonfeld and others would not promote premarital sex with the intent of producing babies.

Yes there are demographic concerns when the average marriage age rises, but the implication is that people should get married "for the sake of the children" or alternatively, singles should "take one for the team" regardless of the implications for their own well-being.

Reality: No one should get married to meet the approval of others and certainly not out of a sense of communal responsibility.³

Myth: Getting Married is a Goal

Related to the previous point is the sentiment that getting married is an goal in and of itself. One example from an Aish column states, "Admitting that you'd like to get married does not signal an affliction; it's merely a defensible life goal."

Getting married may be a strong desire for many people, but by no means should marriage be treated as a goal. The dictionary definition of "goal" is, "the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end." Following this definition, the "goal" of getting married can be accomplished simply by getting married disregarding any concern as to the quality of said marriage. If marriage is a goal then people should just marry the first consenting person who comes their way and as soon as the ring is taken mission accomplished.

Reality: Marriage is not an end but a beginning of a lifelong commitment to another person. The goal should not be to get married but rather to have a healthy marriage, which due to its innate subjectivity must be defined based on each person's individual needs.⁴

After all, increasing the number of Jewish children in single-parent homes cannot be good for our continuity either.⁵

Myth: There are Plenty of Singles

One of the most vexing problems of the shidduch crisis is how could there be so many singles especially concentrated in one community? In New York alone, one friend of mine estimates 400 singles in Washington Heights and the Upper West Side likely houses hundreds if not thousands more. Surely the number of singles ought to increase the probability of finding a suitable mate, which after all is a main attraction of these neighborhood scenes. Thus if someone is still single, it must obviously be their own fault, either for lack of trying or for being too picky.

Reality: At the risk of depressing singles, the true dating pool is actually a lot smaller than you think. It's not number of singles in your neighborhood, but the number of people who are interested in dating you.

When I lived in Washington Heights there were hundreds of single women around, but few could be considered dating options for the simple reason that most weren't interested. I had no trouble asking out women, but I found only about 15% said yes.⁶ My experience in person is similar to what I found on Saw You at Sinai where only 18.42% of the women I accepted reciprocated. And this is only for going on a first date. There have been plenty of times I'd have liked to continue seeing someone only to be turned down.

This is not a call for pity - I've declined my fair share as well and knowing it goes both ways actually helps deal with rejection. I can accept someone turning me down because I don't match what their looking for when I acknowledge I make the exact same decisions. We can quibble if our decisions are valid, rational, or appropriate but it does not change the fundamental facts of dating. Even if I fall madly in love with someone, if it's unrequited, we're not getting married.

Myth: Being Single is the Crisis

Which brings us to final and most dangerous myth of all - that being single is itself a crisis.

Reality: Being single isn't a crisis, it's a default. Certain cultures aside, we're all born single. Are there difficulties associated with being Orthodox, Jewish, and single? Sure, but in most cases getting married won't solve the problem and in many cases may make things worse.

• Loneliness: Loneliness is a real issue, but it's hardly unique to Orthodox Jewish singles. There are countless books, websites, or other resources which address loneliness. However, I have no doubt that the fear of being alone is a motivating factor for some people getting married or not leaving unhealthy (and sometimes abusive) relationships. Whatever the "cure" to loneliness is, rushing into marriage is hardly the answer.
• Maturity: People operate on different timelines so "rushing" is perhaps too relative of a term. Instead, let's consider getting married before one is "ready" either financially, emotionally, or whatever. Getting married is a huge responsibility and from personal experience I feel comfortable saying that not only are there very good reasons for some people being single, but they're probably better off for the time being until their work out their own issues. And yes, I do put myself in this group for in retrospect I probably wasn't ready to get married in my early twenties. We can debate if I'm even ready now, but I can assure you I'm in a much better state now relative to where I was.
• Biological Drives: Assuming Orthodox Jews are strict in the laws of abstinence, the sex drive would be fairly high and women have the additional concern of a biological clock. But getting married for sex is an indescribably bad idea, especially when it's not always so easy.
• Finances: Raising any family is expensive and even moreso for Orthodox Jews who have to pay yeshiva tuition. Rambam in Hilkhot De'ot 5:11 writes that the appropriate order is to first establish a trade which can support him, then aquire a place to live, and only then should one get married whereas the "fools" get married first without any visible means of support. The harsh economic reality is that not everyone can afford a family and fewer still have the luxury of wealthy parents or inlaws. Pressuring singles into making financially irresponsible decisions - such as giving up a career when two incomes are almost a necessity - can only add to the stresses of marriage.

Regardless of how well-intentioned people are, asserting that there is a shidduch crises only serves to remind singles of their perceived innate inadequaces. They ought to be married, otherwise there is something wrong with them. In truth there could be hundreds of reasons why people are single ranging from personality issues to simply not finding anyone who is interested in them; often getting married comes down to a matter of pure luck.

If there is a crisis, it is with the Orthodox community's obsession with getting married and defining people's self worth based on marital status.⁷ We do not tell someone in an abusive relationship that they ought to stay there for the sake of being married, but we encourage them to find their own strength of self but we ironically have no problem negating that person's sense of self when it comes to getting into that relationship in the first place.

Speaking as a rabbi and as a single the best solution I have to the shidduch crisis is to ignore any sweeping generalizations and focus on each individual. Every person at every stage in their life has their own needs and struggles. If anyone is interested in "helping" singles, first ask each person what those needs are, listen to their responses, and respond accordingly without the arrogant assumption that you somehow know what's best for people.

Many singles are not facing a crisis of shidduchim but a crisis of identity, wrestling with existential questions most families simply do not have the time to consider. If we encourage singles to figure themselves out first as individuals and learn to trust their own intuitions, then perhaps we we not only have a stronger single population, but perhaps in the long run we will ultimately create stronger Jewish families.

The post The Myths and Realities of "The Shidduch Crisis" appeared first on YUTOPIA.

There was a time on this website I used to write about my dating life, which as it turns out I haven't really done since 2006. I think I've avoided doing so for a number of reasons, the main ones being my being in a long-term relationship (since ended) and now a relatively public figure as a pulpit rabbi. However, in two days time I will taking a significant step in the dating process by leaving the popular dating site Saw You At Sinai¹ (SYAS) as a paying customer.

For those unfamiliar, SYAS is essentially an online implementation of the blind shidduch / matchmaking dating system. Users create profiles, but instead of searching for other singles users choose matchmakers who do the searching and suggesting for them. Some prefer this method to avoid being contacted directly by creeps, having a reliable person vet out the weirdos, or less cynically prefer to have a mutual acquaintance look out for the interests of both parties. The obvious limitation is that a user's options are entirely dependant on the judgement of the matchmaker.

As of this posting, SYAS boasts 595 matches made and there are of course hundreds if not thousands of Jewish couples who continue to meet through the shidduch system. However, despite empty platitudes of encouragement, it is obvious that this system does not work for everyone, and I would place myself in this category. Thanks to the records of my SYAS account, I will prove mathematically just how ineffective and futile blind shidduch dating can be.

In the SYAS system, a matchmaker suggests a match which is then sent to either the man first, the women first, or both simultaneously (to avoid deadlocks the women make this decision in their preferences). Once a match is sent either party then "approves" or "declines" a match accordingly. If both parties approve, contact information is released and it is expected that they'll call and arrange a date. Simple enough.

Now let's start with my numbers. The first recorded match I have is in 2004 at which point I was still living in Chicago. That gives us about 7 years to work with, minus 2.5 years during which time I suspended my account while in a serious relationship. Here are the stats:

• 711 suggested matches
• 152 of which I accepted
• Yielding 28 first dates
• And zero (0) meaningful serious relationships

Breaking down these numbers, I approved approximately 21.37% of all suggestions and of those women whom I approved only 18.24% reciprocated. Out of all 711 total suggestions, only 3.93% resulted in an actual first date. As pathetic as these numbers are, they don't even tell the full story. In the event a woman chose to receive the suggestion first, it would not necessarily appear in my list and thus I could be under counting just now many times I've been declined.

One could look at these numbers and say that I'm too selective even though my percentage of approving women at 21.37% is greater than the 18.24% reciprocity. From my experience, here are the main reasons why I declined matches:

• Already Friends / Dated - I don't have an inherent objection to dating people I already know, but I can tell if I'm not interested. If I've already dated someone, no point in trying again unless there's a good reason. On the plus side, it does give me a sense if the matchmaker is on the right track.

 

• Too Far / Distance - I've never done well with long distance relationships, and since becoming a rabbi I have neither the time nor money to travel. Despite saying this explicitly in my profile I've gotten many suggestions for people who live outside of my stated geographic range. (The most inexplicable one was London). A bad sign since it clearly indicates the matchmaker ignored what I had to say.

 

• Personality - This is a little more complicated to quantify. As I discussed in my guide to online Jewish dating, writing profiles can be tricky. More often than not, women on SYAS write horribly generic statements which tell me nothing about themselves such that I have no idea how this person would match the personality for whom I am looking.²Even off the site I've found that many people find it difficult to answer the simple question, "how is she what I'm looking for and vice versa?" Just recently a good friend was pushing me to date a mutual friend of hers, however she was at a complete loss at how to describe her beyond the generic, "nice, sweet, pretty" bromides. Following what I've said years ago, I will only invest time, energy, and money into people whom I want to date. Meaning, there has to be a good reason for me to go out with this person as opposed to me justifying my reluctance.

I'd also add that I've periodically gone outside my range just for the sake of not being too obstinate, though the results have been the same.

Then of course is the actual date itself. In my experience, absolutely zero (0) blind shidduch date in any media has ever produced a meaningful serious relationship (though a few have resulted in good friendships). There are probably a whole slew of personal reasons for this, some of which I've explored at length elsewhere on this site. Both of the serious relationships I've had have come from meeting people in normal, if not optimal social settings.³

Has shidduch dating worked for some people? Absolutely. However, to insist that people continue to operate within the confines of a system which has clearly failed them is, as Einstein would put it, "insane." One person is not a statistically significant sample, but I doubt my experience in the blind shidduch world is unique.

While I'm not quite giving up on dating, I am acknowledging based on the empirical evidence that this method is not working for me and it would thus be foolish to continue actively pursuing blind shidduch dates, let alone paying for the privilege. Since I started dating I would not be surprised if I have received at least 1,000 total dating suggestions; but like Kohelet, I have not found even one.

As Kohelet might say in this case, this is a time to move on.

1. The site's name itself is sort of an inside Jewish joke, referring to Midrashic statements that all Jewish souls were present at the reveleation on Mt. Sinai. See for example B. Shabbat 146a.
2. To be sure, not everyone can express themselves verbally, but as I wrote in the guide to online Jewish dating, if you cannot get your personality across in a profile, don't choose this medium since your profile is all someone has on which to rely. Additionally, it is possible to write good profiles; compare for example random ones found on Ok Cupid with any of the exclusively Jewish sites.
3. One at the first Edah conference, the other at a Shabbat meal in Washington Heights.

The post The Statistics of Shidduchim - A Case Study In Futility appeared first on YUTOPIA.

But the Orthodox Jewish social world is driven very much through intermediaries. Upon first meeting someone, it's normal for people to play "Jewish Geography to see if there are any mutual acquaintances. Additionally, many Jews will infer an individual's basic character traits based on where a person lives or went to school, fairly or unfairly relying on internal cultural stereotypes. In the realm of Jewish dating, I'd guess that most people are set up either through professional shadchanim or mutual friends, intermediaries who ideally know both individuals personally.

While there are in fact several shidduch groups on Facebook geared specifically towards setting up members, I'm curious how many times people use Facebook to set up two mutual friends, or at least find mutual friends on their own and ask for assistance. For example, at this time I have 1,258 friends (I started on the site back in 2004), and many of those people comment on various posts and links such that we get some great discussions going. Or someone may see that I commented on someone else's post and will follow the link etc. The point is it's very easy to peruse someone's social network, either stalkery actively or just through normal usage.

So my question is, to what extent are people using FB for online Jewish dating, given that people often put up more current pictures and share more of their personalities than they do on most dating sites? I'd guess the risk of meeting a creep would be just about the same and you'd have the independent verification of a mutual friend.

It seems so obvious I think I'm missing something.

Update: Turns out there's already a website geared to such things: http://www.thread.com

1. And this is all from the past month.

The post Using Facebook For Jewish Dating appeared first on YUTOPIA.

This expectation no doubt can put a tremendous strain on a marriage, which some rabbinical schools attempt to address as part of the training process. Most of my colleagues in Yeshiva University's rabbinical school were already married, but I do remember being told that those who were still single should not only look for a wife, but also a rebbitzen. Perhaps more helpfully, Yeshivat Chovevei Torah includes spouses in the rabbinic training program itself:

...we have instituted a monthly support group for spouses. YCT realizes that the role of rebbetzin is a complex one. Women come from varied personal and professional backgrounds and anticipate different degrees of engagement in their husbands' professional lives. The support group, facilitated by a rebbetzin who is also a social worker, allows exploration of these issues and provides opportunities for students' wives to talk with other rebbetzins who come to New York specifically for group meetings.²

It is clear that in addition to normal marital difficulties, rabbinic couples often must face additional if not magnified tensions. One such overlooked area of potential discord is, ironically, the matter of familial religious practice itself.

Conventional wisdom dictates that a healthy marriage is based on mutual trust, understanding, and a sense of equality and partnership. But while both the rabbi and rebbitzen may be equally passionate about their observance, the husband - by virtue of his rabbinic education - will be more knowledgeable than his wife in matters of religious observance. Thus, any religious dialogue will necessarily be unbalanced.

In order to convey this point, I will give a few general examples from my own experience in dating. In once particular instance I once found myself arguing over the proper use of a microwave in terms of kashrut. I was arguing my position based on my understanding of Yoreh Deah and she steadfastly held by whatever her rabbi said, regardless of whatever source I would happen to quote.³

In another relationship I found myself unable to even engage in the text themselves with my significant other. If I assumed a role of superiority I would come across as patronizing and condescending. On the other hand, if we exchanged as equals she would not be able to engage with sufficient textual and contextual background.

To be sure these exchanges may have been unique to my relationships, and I should remind the reader that I am still single after all. However I suspect these sorts of exchanges are not uncommon among other married rabbinic couples in some form or another.

Consider first that successful rabbis must already compromise on religious observance for their communities i.e. they know which stringencies and which leniencies are appropriate for their congregations. But at home one would suspect the rabbi would have some control over his own observance, if nothing else as a spiritually stabilizing element in his life.

Secondly, for a rabbi halakhic observance is not subject to negotiation like dishes, driving, or diapers. It is a way of life determined by ones understanding of technical legal sources imbued with religious significance, not to be traded for taking out the garbage.

Finally, even mature compromises will not prevent every possible conflict. For example, assume a rabbinic couple takes a position of respectful autonomy - where the husband and wife agree to follow their own understanding of Jewish law. This arrangement will only sustain until such time as one requires the other to compromise on their own expectation of religious independence.

Like any relationship dispute, the greater point of contention or seriousness of the dispute, the greater the tension. And just like "normal" marriages, rabbinic marriages sometimes do end in divorce. But given that rabbis and rebbitzens often live long and happy lives together, it is clear that none of these issues of religious tensions are necessarily insurmountable and that healthy couples can live together even with persistent religious disagreements.

I suppose the rabbinic couples may be considered role models after all.

The post Religion, Romance, and Rebbitzens appeared first on YUTOPIA.

My argument was that the site was condescending towards teens in a painfully clumsy attempt at being cool and relevant. Other bloggers have similarly blasted the OU for either being naive or promoting an irresponsible health policy. But after carefully reading the entirety of the site, I have concluded that the problems are quantitatively and qualitatively far worse than initially reported.1 Sadly, the sanctimonious tone of the OU's site is merely one example of a systematic disregard for teenagers and Torah.

Before we get to the quotes, we should keep in mind that Negiah.org bills itself as "The First Abstinence Website for Jewish Teens." As such, the goal ostensibly would be to either convince Jewish teens to refrain from sexual activity or to provide external support and validation for those teens who have decided not to give in to temptation. Given both of these daunting tasks and seriousness of the halakhic, social, and medical ramifications (abortion, STD's, etc) we should expect the site to treat subject matter and its audience with candid and mature respect.

However our expectations are denied in the very first article, What Is Abstinence?

For the purpose of our web site, we will simply define abstinence as refraining from sexual activity, but we'll leave it up to each person to determine for his or herself what constitutes sexual activity. Just be aware that halacha (Jewish law) does not permit any intimate or affectionate contact between men and women who are not married to one another (or close relatives). This includes hugging, kissing and even handshakes (under normal circumstances). So, one can be abstinent in the societal sense without conforming completely to halacha. (Of course, if one adheres to the halachic parameters, he or she will be abstinent by even the most conservative definitions.)[Emphasis added]

In this introductory article, the logical and halakhic credibility of this site is already jeopardized. First, for a site explicitly intended to discourage sexual activity leaving the individual to define "sexual activity" is either careless or dishonest. There already a widespread misconception that oral sex "doesn't count," not to mention other activities non-involving intercourse. If the site wishes to deter these behaviors as well - as it does elsewhere - then pretending the reader has intellectual autonomy of is misleading. Furthermore, it seems illogical that an abstinence website cannot bring itself to state explicitly the actions from which teenagers ought to abstain.

Perhaps this ambiguity is intentional and serves to welcome the readers to a "safe space" which is not necessarily operated by prudish fundamentalists. However, this assumption quickly rejected as the paragraph continues stating that halakha forbids shaking hands with the opposite gender. When compared to other sexual activities, the halakhot of handshaking are relatively inconsequential.2 Worse, teenagers who read this article will see an overly restrictive and possible irrational model of Jewish law as the basis for the site's position.3 Finally, the inclusion of handshaking as halakhically problematic is particularly questionable considering the evasiveness in defining the primary topic of "sexual activity."

Admittedly, these complaints are relatively minor quibbles compared to the rest of the site, but this introduction does set the done for what is to follow. The article titled Why Abstain? compares those with different moral standards to wild animals:4

Human sexual behavior is strongly associated with our emotions. Unlike dogs, lions or lowland gorillas, we can weigh our choices and control our physical urges. As a result, humans are able to engage in relationships based on mutual fidelity and trust. Sexual activity is even more rewarding in the context of real commitment. (We call it "marriage." )

The comparison between humans and animals is not uncommon in mussar writing, but hardly convincing for teenagers. Those who decide to be sexually active could also contemplate their decision, and yet reach a different conclusion. This is not so much an argument as an ad hominem insult against those who do not meet the author's moral standards,5 and the gratuitous parenthetical exemplifies the condescending juvenile mindset.

Such an attitude is not surprising considering that Negiah.org does not respect the intelligence of its target audience:

So what can teens do about it? Sadly, not much. You've got an adult body with adult hormones, but a not-yet-adult brain. The best you can do is be aware of this limitation.

Since the teenage mind is vastly inferior, Negiah.org has no need for honest discussion or sound, valid logic. Rather all the site needs to do is make assertions as unquestionable dogmatic truth and teenagers, by virtue of their inherent intellectual handicap, must simply submit and accept the gospel.
Here's another example of moral sanctimony:

No one has ever died from abstaining. The same cannot be said of the those who indulge their passions.

At last we know that the key to immortality is simply not to have sex before marriage; Augustine would be proud. Let's have one more for good measure:

Oh yeah - the odds of contracting an STD are increased the more partners one has. Just thought we'd mention that.

Even when Negiah.org cites empirical statistics to support its position, its arrogance and disregard for the individual negates their argument. For example, the article Everybody is NOT Doing It! asserts:

As if normal surging homones [sic] wasn't enough, peer pressure makes abstaining even harder. Everyone thinks everyone else is having sex and nobody wants to be the only one too prudish, too unpopular or too cool not to be "doing it."

News flash: Not everyone else is doing it. More people are NOT doing it, but they don't want to admit it. And most of those who are not doing it aren't doing it by choice.

The article then cites some surprising statistics:

2004:
% of high school boys not currently sexually active: 65.5%
% of high school girls not currently sexually active: 68.8%
(Source: National Survey of Family Growth, Center for Disease Control and Prevention)

While these numbers seem to confirmed here (PDF) they are also irrelevant for most teens. When teens face peer pressure it's not on a national level, but in their immediate social group. Meaning if in their school 70% are sexually active, the national trends are not going to have much of a meaning for the individuals.

Attempts at encouragement are no less obtuse and even contradictory. From the article Advice for More Successful Abstinence:

Every day is a new start. If you cross the line you've set for yourself, don't give up. That doesn't mean that it's all over. You can press the reset button and start over again today.

Just like a video game, all you need to press a button and everything will go back to normal. Of course, the site doesn't exactly believe this either. From the article
Clean Slate:

Other organizations like to call a fresh start "secondary" or "born again" virginity. Those terms don't really work for us, but the concept has a certain validity. No, you won't be a virgin again. That action will always leave whatever mark on you, whether emotional or physical. But you can get a fresh start spiritually. It's called "teshuva."

So the reset button is not in fact all powerful. On the other hand, you have the comfort of knowing that you have some sort of permanent badge of shame but your spiritual side can somehow be corrected to a degree.

Thankfully, Negiah.org has a solution, which also happens to be one of the most abhorrent comments on the site:

People who have already had sex may think that it is too late to be abstinent. Not true! By that logic, nobody could ever become a vegetarian if they ever ate meat. Maybe you thought you were ready before, but now you realize that was a mistake. Perhaps you were the victim of rape or another form of sexual assault. Whatever the case, just because you had sex in the past, that doesn't mean you can't stop now. If you abstain proactively, you can still reap many benefits, just like a smoker who gives up tobacco.

This about this for a moment. According to Negiah.org, a rape victim is comparable to a vegetarian.

Furthermore, Negiah.org's concern is less about the mental or emotional welfare of a sexual assault victim than it is in ensuring abstinence. The selling point is that even if you were raped you can still "reap many benefits" from abstinence, as if of course, the first time was your choice.
Lest you think that this is simply an oversight, I refer you to the article entitled "Rape!":

Rape is rape. It's a violent crime. (The Torah goes so far as to compare rape to murder - see Deuteronomy 22:26.) It doesn't matter whether one is raped by a stranger, a family member or a boyfriend, it's a crime and it's wrong. Treating sex casually leads to objectifying people and exploiting them.

Let's ignore for a moment the trivialities of the exclamation point and misreading of Devarim 22:26.6 There are two fallacies in this statement. The first is the assumption that all extra-marital relationships are objectifying and exploitative (tacitly implying that all marriages are not). The second and most upsetting is the causal relationship between casual sex and rape. In other words, if someone does engage in casual sex, he or she can expect or possible deserve to be raped. Or conversely, if someone was in fact raped, he or she must have been "treating sex casually." In truth, rape is not even about sex at all but control and violence and its inclusion in this context demeans the victims.

Even with the OU's abysmal track record regarding sex abuse, this attitude impossibly lowers the bar even further. Even the serious topic of Suicide! is treated with the same impudence:

Over 25% of sexually active teenage girls report that they are depressed all or most of the time. Less than 8% of girls who are not sexually active are depressed all or most of the time.

Again we are faced with the correlation=causation fallacy. Perhaps it is the a priori emotional problems which lead people to engage in sexual activity. In which case the solution should not be to guilt people into abstinence, but to actually deal with the underlying emotional problems which would lead people to engage in risky sexual activity. This however would require concern for the overall wellbeing of the teenagers.

Manipulating Torah

Being a religious site, it is not surprising that Negiah.org appeals to Jewish sources for law and morality. But even in its use of traditional sources, Negiah.org fabricates and manipulates text to achieve its sacred mission.
For example, here's what Negia.org has to say about yichud:

The Gemara in Kiddushin (80b) discusses the prohibition for a man and a woman to be secluded alone together unless they are married or close relatives. This prohibition is called "yichud" ("seclusion") and the Talmud tells us (Sanhedrin 21b) that it is a Torah prohibition (as opposed to a Rabbinic enactment).

B. Sanhedrin 21b actually says:

But surely the prohibition of yihud with a married woman is a Biblical law! For R. Johanan said on the authority of R. Simeon b. Jehozadak: Where is [the prohibition of] yihud alluded to in the Biblical text? It is written: if thy brother, the son of thy mother entice thee. Is it then only the son of a mother that can entice, and not the son of a father? But it is to teach that only a son may be alone with his mother; but no other man may be alone with women Biblically interdicted on account of incest! - Say rather that they enacted a decree against yihud with unmarried women.

And confirmed with some elaboration in B. Avoda Zara 36b:

[The correct explanation is that] the Biblical ordinance against such association refers to an [Israelite] married woman; David came and extended the law to association with an unmarried woman; and the disciples of the Schools of Shammai and Hillel came and extended it still further to association with a heathen woman.

Given that the site is focusing on teens and premarital sex, the Biblical prohibition of yihud for married women would be irrelevant and its reference in context is nothing short of deceitful.7 I will let my readers debate if this was intentional textual manipulation or simple run-of-the-mill illiteracy. In either case, it is clear that their understanding of teen culture is rivaled only by their Talmudic proficiency.
In an another example of dubious reasoning, the article Abstinence - It's Not Just for Single People introduces the laws of niddah, with the implication being that married couples must also abstain:

This practice is called, of all things, taharas hamishpacha, or "family purity." In many ways, keeping the laws of taharas hamishpacha brings a couple closer together. They learn to appreciate one another more and to interact on a level without the sexual aspect. In some ways, it's like Shabbos. Shabbos can be difficult for a beginner, who may view it as a burden or as a series of "can'ts." People who have "mastered" Shabbos enjoy it as a break from the everyday world and a way to grow closer to their families and to G-d. Similarly, taharas hamishpacha, while no doubt challenging at first, is an opportunity for a couple to grow in their relationship with each other and with G-d.

The problem here is that the "rest" of Shabbat is preceded and followed by six days of work (Ex. 20:8), and the separation of niddah is preceded and followed by marital relations (B. Ketuvot 61a). For this analogy to hold teenagers would have to make use of the "reset button" more frequently.

Negia.org also tackles the important question of sending singles to mikvah:

Having relations with a woman in a state of niddah (or, if you are a woman, having relations while in a state of niddah) is liable to kareis (Leviticus 18:29). It's not just a pastime. It's not a Rabbinical law. It's not a small thing. It's as basic and as important a principle in Judaism as bris milah, Pesach and Yom Kippur.

The answer is not for single people to start using the mikvah. That is prohibited specifically to prevent promiscuity. Even if one were to consider that the "lesser of the two evils," it would be ill-advised. Going to the mikvah is not like taking a bath or a shower. It's a religious act, complete with its own bracha. Going to the mikvah specifically to commit a sin is like putting chalav Yisroel cheese on glatt kosher meat, then washing and bentching on the cheeseburger.

If you wouldn't serve a big bowl of pasta at your Passover seder, you shouldn't use the mikvah in order to have sexual relations until you're married.

After spending much of the page discussing how damning karet is we, we are now told that minimizing the issur is not a valid option at all - for reasons best described once again by logically flawed food metaphors. While there are
valid reasons for discouraging pre-marital mikvah usage, if a couple does in fact keep taharat hamishpacah the halakhic repercussions are relatively negligible. Similar to their attitude on condoms, Negia.org is not interested in minimizing either the physical or spiritual risks, but in absolute compliance with their ideal.

The homiletical approach is no less flawed. Negia.org encourages us to "Be Like Joe:"

Who is our Jewish role model in the area of abstinence? That would be Joseph, or as he is known in Hebrew, Yosef HaTzaddik - Joseph the Righteous.

The premise here is that we should follow the examples of our historical Jewish leaders. However, astute readers will point out that the monarchy was delegated to Yosef's brother Yehuda, who had a very different approach to abstinence .

Questionable Endorsements

Given these numerous flaws - and we have not covered all of them - it is interesting to see who actually endorses this site. The About Us page informs:

Negiah.org is proud to be an affiliate of The Abstinence Clearinghouse. The Abstinence Clearinghouse is a non-profit educational organization that promotes the appreciation for and practice of sexual abstinence through the distribution of age-appropriate, factual and medically-accurate materials.

And what exactly is The Abstinence Clearinghouse? Reader Janet Rosenbaum PhD recently published an article on the ineffectiveness of virginity pledges and her work was dismissed by them in a press release, and later called the study "junk science." Officially there are no religious ties, but we do know its President Leslee Unruh is herself an Evangelical Christian.
This is not to say that there are no Jewish supporters. The most prominent Jewish endorser is YU's own Rabbi Herschel Schachter:

I have reviewed all the articles herein and I found them to be very powerful and fitting. It is quite appropriate to publicize words such as these in a style such as this - words that are straightforward for the sake of people with less background and words of encouragement that are agreeable and in a clean language for the sake of Observant Jews.

To each his own.

1. I'd like to thank the several people who have offered their insight and suggestion. My first attempt at a thorough review was overly sarcastic. I found the content infuriating I did not feel the site deserved an honest analysis - and I thank Jose for his calming words of wisdom.
2. Rambam (Issurei Biah 21:1) defines the impermissible contact as "derech ta'avah" - in the way of desire - which would exclude more casual contact of "affection." Furthermore, under normal circumstances handshaking is neither lustful or affectionate but congenial, i.e. outside the parameters of sexual contact.
3. Even if someone did believe that intergender handshaking was prohibited, it does not have to mentioned in this specific article.
4. As we will see in a bit, this site is, not coincidentally, endorsed by R. Herschel Schachter.
5. Additionally, the assertion that "sexual activity is even more rewarding in the context of real commitment" invites the challenge of comparison. Indeed, one wonders the empirical basis for the author's evaluation.
6. Jose adds that the use of the passive voice - "when one is raped" not "when one rapes" - shifts the crime to victim. I also thank Jose for assistance in formulating my response.
7. Unless of course they're worried about future Graduates.

The post How to Handle Negiah.org appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Regardless of which site one choses, all dating sites involve somewhat impersonal forms of communication; all dating sites require a profile of some sort and with the exception of SYAS, an initial e-mail or response. Unfortunately, while the profile and e-mail are essential parts of online dating, it is apparent that people have no idea how to use them effectively. Profiles are trite and many initial e-mails are simply worthless.

That's where we come in. After reading far too many profiles and e-mails from both myself and friends, we've decided to provide some simple tips in navigating the online dating world.

Note to non-Jewish readers: While many assumptions will be specific to the Orthodox Jewish dating culture, you may find something useful or perhaps can contribute a different perspective.

Writing the Profile
At the risk of sounding pedantic, we should review the purpose of online dating: specifically, to attract someone you feel is compatible for yourself for dating.¹ The goal should then be to communicate something about yourself and your interests which would best appeal to the sort of person for whom you're looking. Similarly, when reading profiles or e-mails you're looking for cues which would evoke interest on your part.

Dating profiles are not intended to be fine literature (though I suppose it could help), but there are some common missteps which would be helpful to avoid. For example, profiles and e-mails should follow basic rules of grammar and spelling. I've previously ranted about one such e-mail which read, and I quote, "Hey Josh, I likeyou rprofiel!!!"

Needless to say, I was not impressed.

Typos are common (as readers of this blog will attest), but they are also easily avoidable. If you're an Internet Explorer user, you can install the spellchecker ieSpell, and the latest versions of Firefox have a spellchecker built in. Or you could simply write your message in a word processor first and copy later.

Remember that when you're trying to make a positive first impression using the written word, it would help if you can demonstrate some degree of basic literacy.

In terms of the actual content of Jewish dating profiles, I've noticed a subtle pattern of insecurity and defensiveness. By this I mean I have seen a trend where people don't positively promote who they are, but feel the need to conform to expectations, or issue qualifying disclaimers.

One example of this is the ubiquitous line: "it's hard to explain myself in a paragraph..." or some variation thereof. This is a useless and counterproductive statement. People who are on dating sites realize the inherent limitations of the medium and if they have a profile, they are faced with the same restrictions. Speaking for myself, I have never read a profile with this statement thinking, "since she says there's more to her she must be the girls of my dreams!" Intelligent people will recognize that few individuals can articulate their gestalt in 1000 words or less, and those who cannot make this distinction are probably not worth your time. If you want to play the game of online dating, don't complain about the rules.

On the other hand, such disclaimers shouldn't be surprising once you start reading the profiles. Here's one real-life example:

I am friendly and outgoing and love to laugh and have fun. My family and friends are very important to me and they are a big part of my life. Religiously I am always looking to improve and grow in my frumkeit. I make time to learn every day, enjoy attending shiurim and I am involved in various chessed activities. In particular I have done a lot of work with the developmentally disabled population. I have always loved helping other people which has led me to pursue a career in social work. I am looking for someone who shares these values and wants to build a home centered around a Torah lifestyle and religious and personal growth. I want to be very involved in my community and am looking for someone who wants to be active as well. Also, someone who can make me laugh and I can have fun with.

Before you complain that I'm publicly embarrassing someone, I challenge you to positively identify this person.²

That's what I thought.

This profile is so generic that it could be interchangeable with dozens of people. Despite its relative length, the profile is riddled with trite, rehearsed clichês which tell you nothing about the person other than she's just like everybody else.

Finally there is the matter of a picture, and that there are still a few people who don't have one. Given the ubiquity of cameras out there I'm sure you can find someone who can help by taking an accurate up-to-date picture.³ On one hand we all sing "sheker hahein v'hevel hayofi" but who are we kidding. The simple reality is that everyone makes some judgments on physical attraction and you might as well have that up front. Even if you feel you're unattractive, there's no point in misrepresenting yourself since at some point you *will* meet and the other person will make their own judgments anyway.⁴ Yes the goal is to get a date, but we're also trying to be honest. The reality is that people do make judgments based on pictures, and in this case they really are worth 1000 words.⁵

My conjecture is that these defensive tendencies stem from personal insecurity. The very nature of dating necessitates some form of judging and being judged, but it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between rejection of compatibility and rejection of one's total self-worth. On the other hand, it's easier to rationalize being declined if you intentionally withhold information because you may counter that the other person simply does not know you well enough. Similarly, people may want to portray themselves as being just like everyone else to avoid being considered too "different" - although it's also possible that some people really are "cookie cutter" types.

Even though you may find the same adjectives popping up, there are sill ways you can express your personality. One good suggestion I once heard is to "show" not "say." For example, instead of just saying you're "funny," include something humorous which demonstrates your description. In any event, your profile is supposed to reveal something about you which would accurately distinguish you from other people, and if someone else isn't interested so be it.

How To Read A Profile

Note: This section assumes you don't just accept or decline based on a picture alone and actually bother to read what a person writes.

Sometimes when I decline profiles I get the guilt trip "how can you tell based on a profile?" In light of the previous discussion this is a fair question, but you have work with what you have. Most often it's a matter of intuition, but there are times when a profile can reveal more than one would expect.

My basic premise in reading profiles is that someone is telling me information for a reason. Let's take another snippit from someone else whom you will not be able to identify:

I truly believe that dressing modestly is important, but not forgetting that hashem sees what is in your heart more importantly, your chesed and true intentions--not what others might see just by your outward appearance. I dress modestly, yet like to dress funky and stylish as well. I wear sleeves above my elbows, and skirts only. I definately [sic] have my own style which I enjoy and makes me an individual. I have learned that my religious committment [sic] and observance does not lie in the length of my sleeve, yet how I treat people and what is in my heart.

While there's more to the profile, it is obvious that issues of modesty are a concern for her. Not only does this person feel the need to discuss modesty, but she devotes significant space to legitimize her own interpretation. From this profile I infer that she is reacting aversely to a culture which she feels overemphasizes dress as a personal value. On the other hand, she still wishes to remain part of that particular culture to some extent - either by herself or through marriage - such that she defends her position, possibly because she has received criticism in the past. Regardless if my reading is correct, it does seem clear that modesty is a significant part of her overall hashkafa or culture such that she needs to express this immediately.

Including this information could be good or bad depending on who is reading the profile. Some guys won't care about her views on modesty, others could get turned off by the defensiveness, and still others could admire this person for her relative individualism. In fact, passages like these could help weed out people who are otherwise inappropriate.

The point is that people include information for a reason, even if they aren't necessarily aware of it. If you read carefully you can often infer more about the person than what s/he has written.
On the other hand, I've been known to over-analyze on occasion so perhaps we should just move along.

First Contact

Let's say you're ready to make the first move what do you do? Frumster suggests including something specific to the person, demonstrating that you took the time to read the profile. I happen to like this idea, but it's not always feasible considering what the other person wrote. In terms of length, short e-mails take less effort to write, and rely more on the strength of the profile. Long e-mails can supplement your profile and be more informative, but there is the risk of sounding desperate. Personally I avoid longer e-mails because I've found 1/2 - 2/3 of people contacted do not bother responding at all,6 so a blind e-mail is rarely worth the effort.

The truth is, you can't predict how someone else will react, so you're better off just following your intuition.

Oh, and run spell check.

Talking Torah

One final trend I'd like to address is the tendency to include derashot7 in profiles and e-mails. From what I hear, both men and women do this, but it is most common among guys who are ba'alei teshuva or converts. Ostensibly, these people are trying to impress others based on their intellect, knowledge, or "spirituality." It's also possible they're seeking validation for their religious aptitude.

From my conversations with women, I've found that this strategy is rarely if ever effective. One person even explained her reaction as, "most likely i just laugh at him." Even if there is some insight in the derasha, there is often an element of arrogance and pretentiousness in which a hashkafa is tacitly imposed on someone else as fact. I've also been told that when women question such derashot, they are usually attacked or insulted in response.

Discussing religion and hashkafa is inevitable at some point, but it would be more appropriate to have a conversation - i.e. a mutual exchange of ideas - rather than a unilateral lecture.

And yes, this is coming from a Rabbi.

Summary

There really shouldn't be anything revolutionary in this post, parts of which are just as applicable beyond "Jewish" dating. With the emotional risks involved, dating can be intimidating and even scary, but this doesn't mean you should date scared. If you're open and honest about yourself you'll probably chase away some people, but the ones you attract will likely be more compatible and hopefully have more enjoyable dates.

After that, you're on your own.

1. Yes, Orthodox Jewish dating is generally for marraige, but slow down here. Let's just focus on getting a first date.
2. In all fairness I honestly have no idea who this person is either.
3. Even I have one, and there are very few pictures of me anywhere.
4. I find that it's imperative to let people make up their own minds about what they consider attractive for themselves. This is why I ignore people when they tell me a girl is pretty; I trust my own judgment more.
5. Frumster has the option of a password protected picture, but I'm not sure what the point is of this either since again, at some point people will see the picture. I know of both women and men (myself included) who upon sharing their password with someone promptly never heard back. If anything I would say this is worse since you how have assurance that you're being judged negatively based on looks.
6. This number only counts those who have access to read the e-mail, and either read the e-mail and didn't respond or logged in and avoided reading the e-mail altogether.
7. From the few I've read, I cannot seriously call them "divrei Torah," since there is usually little Torah to them.

The post YUTOPIA's Guide to Online Jewish Dating appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Read through the literature on the abstinence movement making its way through public schools and other childhood education, and you'll find that it leads to decreased condom use among the sexually-active, that self-proclaimed "virgins" frequently choose instead to engage in sexual activity that they simply don't consider "sexual intercourse" and tend to do it in an unsafe manner, and myriad other issues. Now, if you were thinking that when Jewish groups, with so many health professional among their ranks having spoken out against these pro-abstinence tactics, would veer away from suggestions that could tempt Jewish youth into unsafe practices, you'd be wrong.

There's an exchange I had with my Niddah Rabbi in smikha which may help explain the rationale. Given the increase in sexual activity in the Jewish community (especially among teenagers), I asked if at some point we should encourage women to go to mikvah even single to at least negate the issur karet. The response was that were that to be the policy the result would be an even greater increase in sexual activity and no greater likelihood of taharat hamishpacha. I'm guessing the OU is doing something similar here, advocating a stricter halakhic stance, because allowing for anything less would tacitly approve of sexual activity.

What bothers me here is not so much the content, but the obviously condescending and pandering tone. From the design of the site it seems clear that they're trying to speak to the younger generation - e.g. a section called "Your Bod" - but such attempts are like your parents trying to act "cool" and "hip." This approach never works because it's artificial and eventually the charade will be exposed. Case in point, here's one attempt at cultural relevancy:

Deciding to abstain can be easier said than done. In our society, sex is literally everywhere, from magazine covers to billboards and from car ads to beer commercials. "Back in the day," only soap operas might feature sexually active characters. Lucy and Ricky slept in separate beds. All Greg Brady might get after a date was a peck on the cheek. When Natalie lost her virginity to Snake on The Facts of Life, that was huge - and it was only 1988! Now, shows like Friends and Seinfeld, whose characters routinely jump from bed to bed, are considered "quaint." The personalities of characters on shows like Will and Grace, The OC and Sex and the City are virtually defined by their sex lives! All this makes it seem as if promiscuity is the societal norm. It isn't, nor should it be.

Demonstrating moral decay from television shows is not a new argument. While they get points for knowing about The OC and Sex and the City, who under the age of 27 would remember a specific episode of Facts of Life let alone I Love Lucy? More importantly, what teenager would find this argument compelling?

Teenagers may be growing up faster, but that also means that they can expose and reject condescending tripe much easier. In other words, just as the behaviors and mentality of teenagers changed over time, the OU would need to adjust accordingly. I'm not arguing against the OU's agenda given the alarming rise in sexual activity and the dangers involved, but there has to be a more appropriate and effective strategy to communicate and influence behaviors.

The post To Abstain Courteously appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Sadly, it seems that I've inherited the selective memory gene, or at least as it pertains to my dating life. I first noticed this on a flight to Israel for last pesach. Trying to be friendly, I introduced myself to the person sitting across the aisle only to be reminded (very gracefully I might add) that we went out once about a year and a half earlier. Only after a good 5 minutes of solid thought was I able to recall the date. During that stay in Israel, a friend referenced the fact that I went out with someone with whom she was indirectly connected. This time it took a few days to make the connection and remember that I did in fact go out with that person. A few weeks later I participated in a Hospitality Shabbat in Washington Heights. It turns out I had gone out once with the wife of the hosting couple, but I had no idea who she was until I noticed her maiden name on her diploma.

My memory is generally flaky regarding people. Sometimes I remember a name, other times I can only remember where we met, and often I just remember that I know the other person and can go on naturally. Or I can forget someone's name but recall some peculiar detail about the person. While I suppose it's normal to forget people from time to time it does bother me when I cannot reciprocate even basic recognition. It's especially troubling when I've met this person in the context of a date in which the entire purpose is ostensibly to actually get to know the other person.

I don't think it's a matter of cognitive dissonance so much as that most dates were, to put it bluntly, wholly forgettable. If a date goes horribly then we have comical stories to tell our friends. While I have my share of those, the majority of dates haven't been good or bad, they just sort of...were.

I freely admit that it often has to do with my attitude. Given the number od disappointments and inappropriate matches, I can't really get excited enough to put in the time, money or emotional energy to do something special. But even as dates should just be "getting to know someone," conversations are generally safe and bland and this too is largely due to personal or ideological incompatibilities (I've even had to adopt the policy of avoiding talking Torah on dates). Regardless of the reasons, the results are the same. What should ostensibly be a pleasant outing usually becomes what I tend to call a "Date By Numbers."

Mind you this doesn't apply to everyone. Despite the frustrations, the dating process has also introduced me to some incredible and special people, some of whom have become close friends. The point is that some dates have become so perfunctory and meaningless to the point where people are interchangeable.

Even adopting a more selective approach in accepting matches has not reduced the number of pointless excursions.

I'm not going to reduce this to yet another gripe session on Jewish Dating or about how this is just part of a process etc. (Remember, I moderate the comments). Perhaps it's just natural or inevitable to forget people who haven't had a lasting personal impact, sort of like most grade school classmates. Even putting in more effort in the date won't help if the other person is disinterested in reciprocating and you'd likely never see each other again.

Then again on the plus side, it does make the memorable encounters all the more valuable. And who knows, maybe one of those will be special enough that it won't be one to let go.
Now that would be a first worth remembering.

The post Dates To Forget appeared first on YUTOPIA.

As of February 1st, all new Gold members can select two matchmakers, instead of the current three. This will allow matchmakers to have more time for each of their members allowing for improved relations and even better quality matches.
We wanted to inform all our GOLD members in advance of this change. Should you decide at any point to cancel your GOLD membership, you would then only have TWO matchmakers upon upgrading to GOLD again. This change will take effect on February 1st.

There have also been some changes on the matchmaker's side as well. According to my sources, matchmakers can no longer decline a single who requests them if they have fewer than 20 "clients" - regardless if the single is appropriate for that matchmaker's network. There have also been issues with matchmaker's offering suggestions on profile changes such that some are told to lay off critiquing profiles.

I'm going to guess that whatever official changes have been made were done in response to common complaints. The need for quality matches is obviously essential. Members lack the autonomy to conduct their own searches and are instead dependant on the judgement of others who may not know them or don't take the time to read a profile carefully. Such suggestions can be very discouraging, especially to paying customers.

I've also heard some horror stories involving rude, pushy, or obnoxious matchmakers. Some matchmakers give very constructive advice about a profile. For example, blurry pictures ought to be replaced and profiles should be written using complete sentences. However, some matchmakers have been outright insulting, in one case telling someone that she's single because she wears glasses.

Sometimes matchmakers take rejection worse than the singles and have berated friends of mine for daring to use their own discretion. For privacy reasons I won't get into details here, but yes there have been stories even worse than my own experience.

The point is that there is definitely room for improvement. However, I am not entirely sure how the new policies will really help the singles find decent matches. Finding an appropriate match is a very nuanced endeavor, and I would think that from a significant quantity, the singles could choose their own quality. Also, there are quite a few profiles out there which could be improved and may help that person find for what s/he is looking by refining the content to attract the desired person.

From people with whom I have spoken, I've found that there is a great deal of frustration and cynicism about the site. One even made the argument that the site is more interested in keeping customers than getting them married. While this is an interesting charge against the overall business model of such a site, I'm not sure I'd go that far as to say the recent changes are intended to be subversive.

For the record, I haven't e-mailed the site or Marc Goldman about any of these changes but I am curious if there are any single's or especially matchmakers out there who can share their experiences with the site and its new policies.

The post Seeing Red At Sinai appeared first on YUTOPIA.

I reran those searches from a year ago and conducted a few others as well. Again, the same disclaimers from last year apply. First this data must be taken in its context. Frumster represents only a small cross-section of the dating pool and an even smaller sample of the larger Jewish community.

However, even with these disclaimers some results are in my opinion significant enough to make people notice some of the ramifications of the modern day shidduch system.

Queries were run on 12/28/2005, and people may have been subsequently added or removed. Thanks again to Meredith Scheck for loaning her account for the men's searches searches.

The Big Picture

Let's start off by comparing the general numbers from last year to this year.

In the past year, the overal membership of Frumster has increased by 729 people for 12.72%. In that same time span, there was a net gain of 24 divorcees or a 9.60% increase.

Where there was a net gain of only 4 men on the site, but the number of women increased by 725 - a 27.54% increase. In terms of divorcees, there was a decrease among the men of 12 people or 9.75%, but on the women's side, there was a net increase of 26 divorcees or 28.34%. While there was a gain of 9 women divorced without children (13.23% increase), for divorcees with at least one child there was a gain of 27 people, an alarming increase of 45.76%.

The overall percentage of the men 18-30 who are divorced decreased, and of those divorced fewer have children. While the percentage of women on the site who are divorced has basically stayed the same, there seems to be a shift in that a higher percentage have children.

Breakdown By Region

As with last years numbers, most of the Frumster members come from the United States and specifically the New York / New Jersey region.

I don't have time to do a detailed analysis, but compared to last year's numbers I am not noticing any major changes.

Based on some conversations and experiences I've had in the past year, I decided to run additional searches narrowing the age to 18-25. You'll forgive me for not having the time to calculate all the percentages.

In this age group, divorced women outnumber the men 41 to 13 and in percentage of age group 2.07% to 0.79%. When you compare these tables, the most noticable group is women in the NY / NJ region.¹ 25.28% of the divorcees 18-30 are 25 and under - slightly higher than the worldwide average. However a whopping 59.09% of those divorced 25 and under have at least one child.

For the men, only about 11% of the divorcees are under 25 and less than 10% have children. This discrepancy between the men and the women in this age group can be explained by a tendency for men to get married at a later age than women.

By Religious Classification

The other major addition in this year's overview is that I also searched worldwide by religious classification. Frumster acknowledges that the labels are inexact and subject to personal interpretation, but for our purposes, the self-identificaiton will suffice.

Note that "Traditional / Non Orthodox" is not an option for men.

Here, the disproportionate groups are Yeshivish Modern Women with a 10.95% divorce percentage and Hassidish Men with 8.90%. Let's see how things work out for the 18-25 range:

Note that "Traditional / Non Orthodox" is not an option for men.

Considering we're only dealing with 13 people, I'm not sure how much we can read into these numbers for the men. For women in the 18-25 age group there is little proportional difference between the Modern Orthodox Machmir at 2.79% and the Yeshivish Modern at 3.03%.

Some Observations

Assuming for a moment that these numbers are meaningful, the greatest area of concern is for Yeshivish Modern women 18-30, Yeshivish Modern women 18-25, and Modern Orthodox Machmir women 18-25. Not only do they have seemingly higher percentage of divorce, but those divorced are nearly 50% with children.

I have a few suggestions as to why these numbers are so high. First is that women in these groups tend to marry younger than the men, thus increasing the possiblity of divorce in this age group.

Second, these groups may be disproportionately represented on the Frumster site. Consider that the more machmir may initially chose to go through a matchmaker and possibly use the internet less often in general. However, I would also assume that the fact that someone is divorced would hurt ones chances in the shidduch world and so this website could be a more plausible alternative.

Finally, there is of course the issue of social pressure both for getting married as early as possible as well as the expectation of starting a family immediately. The fact that 59.09% of those divorced 25 and under have at least one child is frightening. While there could be any number of reasons why somoene gets divorced, when someone is divorced by 25 maturity - or lack thereof - is probably a factor. Yes, it works for many people, but obviously not everyone at that age knows what they're getting to in a marraige let alone having children.²

Again all this assumes that these numbers are in fact meaningful. The numbers on Frumster may not be indicative of the larger Jewish population and potentially misleading. Furtheremore, these numbers may not even be considered all that useful. I would think information would be how many marrages in these communities end in divorce and the average length of those marraiges would be considerable more valuable. Of course those numbers would be incredibly hard to come by, if not imposssible.

At any rate, if you've found this stuff interesting or informative, please let me know. It does take some time putting all of this together and I'd like to know if it's really worth it in the future.

1. Canada has a higer percentage - 6 of 8 or 75% - but that sample seems to be too low to be significant. Also, none of those divorced have children.
2. I am not going to get into a discussion of the halakhot of birth-control. However, even those who may be against it

The post Frumstats - 2005 appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Well ... almost.

As it turns out she doesn't want to make aliyah. Or vice versa, she does and you really don't. For some reason, this little detail got overlooked by both of you and/or the shadchan never bothered checking. While there are many factors one considers in dating, aliyah is unique. There are significant halakhic, hashkafic, and practical considerations, and there is little room for compromise. You're not choosing between city and suburban life, but living in Israel or not living in Israel.

At any rate, you've now got a choice to make. Do you marry the girl of your dreams and give up aliyah, or go ahead with your life and take a chance with the dating game for however long it might take?

Naturally, there's not going to be a definitive answer to the question. But for those who are facing this dilemma, perhaps we can help sort through some of the factors to consider.

Religious Issues
People who consider aliyah usually do so for religious reasons. For some it could be an issue of maintaining Jewish culture in the Jewish homeland. Others may want to raise a family in a primarily Jewish society. But for the majority of aliyah minded people, there is an inherent religious value if not an actual obligation to live in Israel.

Then again, many also consider getting married to be a religious obligation.

Although the gemara clearly values, encourages, and perhaps mandates both being married (B. Yevamot 61b, B. Kiddushin 29b) and living in Israel (B. Ketuvbot 110b-111a), it is not explicit as to their exact halakhic status.

However, the Talmud does discuss the instance when one must choose between living in Israel and being married. Commenting on the Mishnaic statement "everyone (must) go up to Israel" (M. Ketuvot 13:11), the Talmud elaborates should a spouse refuse to make aliyah, we force him/her to change his/her mind. Since both husband and wife have an equal obligation to live in Israel, either's opposition to fulfilling their obligation is considered grounds for divorce, to the extent that if it is the wife who refuses to make aliyah, she loses her ketuvah (B. Ketuvot 110b). Thus it seems that regardless of the halakhic nature of marriage and aliyah, living in Israel would supersede being married.

For some, this passage alone is enough to end the discussion - and the relationship. Once the gemara decides that one is more important than the other, then there should be no question that someone should not continue a relationship at the expense of aliyah. However, while this is certainly a plausible position to take, it is not necessarily the only conclusion.

First, the gemara in Ketuvot discusses an immediate ultimatum; one is going, and the other refuses. Dating on the other hand is about potential future plans. As most people should realize, life is unpredictable - especially when considering the wants and needs of someone else. Long-terms plans can change drastically, and even if one does desire to make aliyah in the future, there is no guarantee that he/she actually will (or will be able to).

Furthermore, the gemara states that refusal of aliyah is grounds for divorce, but it does not say that one must divorce his wife.¹ Though it would not seem to be the ideal situation, the aliyah-minded spouse could theoretically change his/her mind in order to preserve the marriage.

Finally, if the relationship is serious enough such that marriage is imminent, then it may be possible to argue that one ought to get married in spite of the aliyah question. If we follow the assumption of Rambam that getting married is a mitzvah de'oraita (Ishut 1:2), then one ought to perform this mitzvah as soon as possible under the principle of mitzvah habah l'yadcha al tachmitzena (Mechilta R. Yishmael Bo 9). The gemara discussed someone who was already married, and has already fulfilled his obligation. Of course, this logic would not apply to divorce's, nor would it apply to women since they only have the obligation to make aliyah, but not to get married.² But if it's the guy who wants to make aliyah, then he would be confronted with fulfilling one mitzvah now, at the possible expense of fulfilling another mitzvah at a later date.

There are other sources to consider as well. According to Rambam, someone who already lives in Israel may leave to find a wife - provided he returns at some point (Melachim 5:9). Although the situation is temporary, one may suspend the obligation of living in Israel for marriage. This dispensation is consistent with the Talmudic insistence that a person should only marry someone who is hogennet (suited) to him (B. Kiddushin 70a, B. Bava Kamma 80a).

To be clear, I am not endorsing any position on the matter. The point is that the answer is not as simple as some may make it out to be, since there are several possibilities for understanding religious texts - including many I haven't mentioned. This is a case of competing religious interests, both of which are essential to Jewish life and uncertainty is understandable.

Personal Issues

Even if you're inclined to follow one halakhic argument over another, you may be too overwhelmed by the intense emotions involved to make a rational decision. As difficult as it may be, I would suggest that a logical step would be to examine your own situation.
Including:

• Personal dating experience - How has the dating process been going? Are you very unique or picky such that your dating pool is smaller than others? Have you had difficulties finding someone compatible? If you've had a particularly hard time dating and/or are older, you may be more reluctant to end a rare positive relationship.
• Why do you want to make aliyah? - This is a tough but fair question. I know that people make aliyah for a myriad of reasons. You need to figure out what yours really is as opposed to what could be parroting other people's beliefs.
• Why doesn't s/he? - The common reasons why people don't want to make aliyah usually involve money, culture, and family, but of course there can be others. We'll get to how to deal with them in the next section, but first you have to really know how the other person feels. It's possible that there is also a deeper discrepancy of values or expectations which can by masked by aliyah. Which brings us to...
• Is aliyah an issue or the issue? - Is aliyah really the only issue which is holding up your getting married? Even if you are aware of other issues in the relationship, you may not realize how much they matter or if there are more deal-breakers involved than just aliyah.

Once you have a good idea about yourself and your relationship, you should be in a better position to make a decision.

How to Deal

My personal sense is that how one deals with aliyah is really not that much different then other conflicts in a relationship.

For example:

• Be honest - Both with yourself and with each other. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and trust that the other person is doing the same. Know how you're really feeling and be open and communicative. Don't silently conform to the other person if something is bothering you.
• Avoid wishful thinking - Don't assume that the other person will just change his/her mind and come around to how you're thinking. It may happen, but you can't assume that it will.
• Avoid guilting - Aliyah is difficult. It's hard to make a go of it even when you want to, let alone when you're just going along for the ride. Furthermore, there are legitimate reasons for not making aliyah and staying in galut doesn't necessarily make someone a bad Jew.
• Know when to let it go - Talking about aliyah is a good thing. Harping on it for two years straight isn't. If you want to keep the relationship positive, you can't keep bringing it up every day. If you do decide to stay in the relationship, you may want to come to a mutual understanding about how to deal with it in the future. Other than that, make a decision, stick with it, and move on.

Conclusions

I found myself in such a relationship not too long ago, and I noticed that people were quick to offer advice telling me to either ignore aliyah or to break up and move to Israel. Of course, it's easy for someone comfortable in middle-class America to think that aliyah isn't all that important. It's also easy for a benei akivanick who got married at 20 to think that you could just find someone else.

Ultimately, whatever you decide has to be your decision. It's your life and you have to live it and be comfortable with your decisions. If aliyah is that important to you, don't ignore it. If it's that much of an obstacle, don't fool yourself into thinking it will just take care of itself. If you truly think that the best thing for you is to get married, then go ahead.
Although we've focused on the person in the relationship who wants to make aliyah, most of this would apply to the other person as well. If you're the one who doesn't want to make aliyah, you'd also have to deal with your feelings and come to some arrangement. Maybe it's something you could consider doing, perhaps even on a trial basis. Again, all this would depend on your personal situation.

There really isn't a right or wrong answer. Even if you're thinking long-term, there are never any guarantees. Not all couples who want to make aliyah succeed, and some don't even get a chance to try. Other people have made aliyah because of their spouses and have thrived. Then again, not all marriages last either. As with any major decision you have to make, the most you can do ever do is make the best honest judgment that you can based on whatever information you have at that time.

And have faith that everything will work out in the end.

1. This was pointed out to me by another Rabbi when I was personally addressing this issue.
2. Although the Talmud asserts that it's better for women to be married (B. Kiddushin 7a), and that women wish to be married more than men do (B. Yevamot 113a), it does not prescribe an obligation.

The post Dating vs. Aliyah appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Anyone part of a "single's scene" knows how difficult it is to find that special someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life. Bars and mixers might help put similar people in the same room, but such forums rarely result in successful relationships. To help narrow down the field of compatible singles, some entrepreneurs took advantage of the Internet, resulting in sites like Match.com or E-Harmony.

Jewish dating is perhaps even more difficult for a myriad of reasons which won't be discussed here. Still, there are some Internet dating sites created specifically for the Jewish community, such as JDate, Jewish Caf?, Future Simchas and Frumster.

Like many other on-line dating services, singles complete profiles which contain generic information as well as some space for the individuals to elaborate. When singles search for other singles, they do so on specialized fields - each depending on the particular site. For example, Frumster allows one to search based on such fields as education, height, body type, and religious observance. However, with Frumster one can be certain of a minimum degree of observance, as it is the only one which serves the Orthodox community exclusively.

During one of my random Frumster searches I noticed that there were more women in my results page who were divorced. I found this odd since the age range for which I was searching was up until 30 years old. What bothered me wasn't that divorce's were suggested. I don't believe that someone divorced should be any less of an option than anyone else. Furthermore, there are cases such as abuse where divorce would be the obviously preferable option - the sooner the better. However, there is an unfortunate stigma against being divorced, and for divorce's Frumster might be the only option. There are many questions which need to be asked to interpret the meaning of any phenomenon.

What occurred to me that Frumster could be a useful resource for obtaining Orthodox Jewish sociological data, necessary to at least begin to understand what is happening within our community.

The Searching

Before I started any major searches, I checked their Terms of Service and found nothing prohibiting this use of the Frumster system.¹ I had contacted the administrators and received this oblique response: "Thank you for your feedback and suggestions. We will consider your needs as we develop further improvements for the frumster service." Hardly an endorsement, but not a refusal either.

Still, any approved member - basic or premium - can easily duplicate any of these searches should one feel like it.

For my data, I searched for women between the ages of 18 and 30, of all criteria who had been divorced, differentiating between those with children and those without. I then specialized the searches to focus on the specific regions of America, Israel, United Kingdom, Canada, and NY/NJ. As you will see, the specification for NY/NJ is not just an East Coast Bias, but that there is a high concentration of male and female areas from those two states. Frumster does give some precedence to other countries like Australia and South Africa by prominently placing them at the top of a search list and in larger bolded format. However, Australia only has 27 female and zero male members, and South Africa has a mere 11 female and zero male members and so I didn't do any detailed searching for those countries.

Finally, as a male member of Frumster, I was only able to search for women. However, I had help from Meredith Scheck² for duplicating my searches for Frumster's male members.

The Data³

Uses and Limits

The major question you might be asking is, "what's the point?" Sociologists and other academics might appreciate data for its own sake, but is there anything more practical?
Before we analyze what these numbers mean and represent, we must first acknowledge the limits. First, the 5728 registered members of Frumster may not be a meaningful cross-section of the orthodox single population. It only represents those people who are single and chose to register for this site in particular. Second, it would be difficult to compare these results with national statistics. Most statistics on divorce rates examine the changes in a given year or time period. These numbers simply represent the number of divorc?es in a particular dating pool. To compare trends, we would have to redo this study in a few years to see if there is an increase of divorces.

However, even with its limitations, such studies may prove valuable. First, it provides a quantifiable view into the world of Orthodox dating. For all the discussions on Jewish Singles, there is little hard data to support any theory. Second, it gives people an idea of who is out there in the single's world. Would one have the desire, one could search for single women on Frumster have PhD, Law, or medical degrees, perhaps dispelling a myth that educated women intimidate men.⁴

Finally, the searching of divorce rates in this age group can be particularly useful for understanding and fixing the current dating and marriage situation. If there is an increase in divorces, or a disproportionate rate of divorce in a community, then it would be a definitive sign that something isn't working correctly in the system. It could be a clear sign to Rabbis, teachers, parents, and singles themselves to rethink what Jewish dating and marriage ought to be and take the necessary steps to prevent avoidable personal anguish.

1. Obviously this is subject to change. I am not using any of this data for commercial gain, nor am I "inappropriately" linking to the site or any member in particular. 4.f states "You must use the Frumster service in a manner consistent with any and all applicable laws and regulations" and as far as I can tell, I'm still well within these boundaries.
2. Or wherever she's blogging now.
3. As new members join, all of these numbers are subject to change. The data is accurate as of the time of this blog posting.
4. 428 worldwide across all ages.

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Some go through comical measures to avoid this phrase. For her younger sister's wedding, Sarah made a T-Shirt saying, "No No, Im Yirtzeh Hashem by YOU!" From what I recall her telling me, it worked nicely.

When I was in Gruss, my havruta got engaged and I had to endure my share of IYH's. Noticing my apparent disapproval, one kollel wife said, "Oh, you should be happy! It's a bracha!" Not wanting to discuss the matter, I nodded, smiled, and went on my merry way.

Not long afterward, I was at a shabbat meal with the same kollel wife. Somehow in the context of the conversation, I said IYH regarding someone having children. ¹

Instead of accepting this bracha, the incredulous kollel wife said, "You know, you really shouldn't say things like that."
"Why not? Isn't it a bracha?"
"Yes, but you don't know...maybe there's a reason why they don't have kids."
"Maybe there's a reason why I'm not married."
"Look, you just shouldn't."

I could have countered that if IYH is indeed a bracha, then it should be welcomed in all cases. I was not nagging, "nu, when are we going to have some nachas," but "if God wills it, it should happen" - a perfectly "frum" theological blessing. However, by this point in the year I had learned not to engage in logical arguments with the typical YU kollel wife, so I dropped the subject.

Since then, I've asked several people if there is a difference between saying IYH to a single person looking to get married or a married person who is trying to have children. Both deal with highly personal and emotional struggles, yet IYH is socially acceptable in one context and apparently reviled in another.

In this highly unscientific study, I found that most women instinctively see a difference, but few could articulate what that would be. One person related to me stories of friends of hers who have struggled with miscarriages and fertility clinics, emphasizing the myriad of problems that couples face. Since one never knows what a couple goes through, even an IYH could prove to be traumatic.

I do not wish to minimize the struggles that people go through in either area. My problem, and one of my biggest pet peeves, is hypocrisy. If you truly believe that IYH is a bracha and will be accepted as such, fine. If you find it offensive in some cases, then that would indicate that you don't really believe it's a true bracha. I suspect the latter to be true in most cases.

For some reason, many are under the impression that singles have no feelings. We can mockingly throw out an IYH with little regard to what a person goes through. It's like a cultural hazing process that only ends when you get married. Apparently, it's only then where a person's private life is "off limits" from the teases of the community.

So before you throw out another IYH by you - even as a joke - first to think about how it's going to be received by the other person. It's possible they might not be offended, and it's possible that they might accept it wholeheartedly. But it's also possible that you could strike a sensitive nerve and add more to a person's anguish. If you're not sure yourself, think if you would personally say it to a married couple who is trying to have children.

The point is that maybe it's time to reevaluate commonly accepted phrases. Maybe we're actually hurting people with words which aren't as well intentioned as they sound. Maybe we should take the time to think about how our words affect other people, even when they're socially conditioned. Maybe if we can do this, we can try to reverse the mentalities of what caused the hurban in the first place.
Im yirtzeh hashem by us all.

1. I don't remember the details if it was to the specific person there, or about someone else not at the table.

The post Mixed Blessings appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Everyone has their reasons and explanations. I've heard people blame the men, the women, the shadchanim, the Rabbis, and the whole culture at large. Of course, none of these discussions are productive. Even assuming one could find fault with any element of society, it's unlikely that change will happen on an institutional level. More importantly, it doesn't help the singles with their current situation.

As a friend and Rabbi, I've spoken to many people about their struggles in the Jewish dating world. As a single myself, I've personally experienced my share of disappointments and frustrations. I am not a professional therapist, nor am I trained in psychology. I'm hardly an expert in relationships, and I don't have the greatest track record. However, I do think I have a decent understanding of the situation and of the many people affected. I also have a tendency to think too much.

I've started putting together my thoughts on dating and I've tried to offer some practical advice for singles. Unlike many comments I've seen and heard, I'm going to focus on what you, the individual, can do. Men, women, shadchanim, and rabbis are all out of your control. If you're having trouble finding someone, no one can simply create a person for you.¹ If you've fallen for someone, you can't control if that person will respond favorably. However, you are in control of yourself, and only you are responsible for yourself.

My thoughts on dating are constantly evolving, and therefore are subject to change.

The Problem
Part of EndTheMadness's theory is that people look to characteristics as opposed to the totality of a person. This is true to some extent, but it only solves part of the problem. From what I've seen, people have these incorrect attitudes of dating because they do not articulate what it is they are looking for. Even talking about "what someone is looking for" is a misleading statement as it typically invites responses from characteristics. The problem in the Jewish dating world is more fundamental than people realize. It expresses itself not only in the pettiness of checklists, but in the insensitivity of shadchanim. Simply put, we've forgotten what really makes a marriage work.

Paradigm Shift
Like many people, I had my answers to the "what are you looking for" question, based on what I thought I wanted. Alternatively, other people had their ideas of for what I ought to be looking. More often than not, this resulted in dates which looked good on paper, but just didn't translate well in person. This experience usually left me (and sometimes a shadchan) extremely frustrated. Here I am having difficulty in dating, I find someone who seemingly meets whatever criteria I have, and it still doesn't develop beyond a date or two. This was be extremely demoralizing not only for the disappointment in the result, but it also made me question my assessment of myself as an individual.

Recently, I decided to take the reverse approach. Instead of beginning with characteristics I think are attractive, I decided to look at the people to whom I have been attracted. Meaning, over the years I have dated, I have liked some people more than others (to varying degrees of course). Regardless of what people may have thought, there was something about these women that attracted me to them. What did these women have in common that I liked them more than anyone else?

Although this is a logical question, it's not always helpful. When I looked at similarities in characteristics, I've found that many of these women were very different people. Some were more genteel, others outgoing, some were dry intellectuals, and others were hippies (for lack of a better term). In fact, some people told me that they would never have thought of setting me up with my ex at all, and yet we maintained a positive relationship for a time. Not finding any common ground in personalities, I was still left with the question, what made these people so special.

What I realized was that what attracted me to these people wasn't that they were "smart," "nice," or whatever, but for whatever reasons I felt that I could have a relationship with these women. Of course, the nature of the relationship would vary from woman to woman, but the point is that I felt that I could have both an intellectual and emotional relationship of some kind. What mattered wasn't that there was an identity of ideas, beliefs, or feelings, but there was a compatibility which cannot be articulated.
Dating isn't even about the gestalt of another person, but of the relationship between two people.

YUTOPIA's Alternative

What is truly amazing is how something so obvious gets overlooked by so many people. We've forgotten the simple truths of relationships to the point where we cannot even articulate our feelings. We're more worried about what the other person is like than we are about how we interact with them. Of course, someone else's traits will affect the relationship. But the unstated flaw is not the person or his or her characteristics, but of the relationship between these two specific people.

How can we use this to make dating life easier? The first step is try to figure out what it is that you want in a relationship. This requires you to be honest with yourself and not rely on other people as much. Hopefully, you should know how you feel better than anyone else. If you have trouble figuring this out, don't despair. Think back to the people to whom you've felt attracted. What was it about those relationships that made them different? In my case, it was that I felt I could have both an intellectual and emotional relationship with the person. For you, it could be something totally different. What matters is that you try to identify what really makes you happy.

If a shadchan suggests someone to you, accept or decline based on your intuitions. When you interact with the person on the phone or on a date, feel first and think later. Let yourself go and be as normal as possible, then think if this is what you really want. If you can't stand talking to the person, then that could be a negative indicator. If things don't get rolling right away, you might want to give it some time depending on how you feel. If you're in a relationship where you're perpetually "not sure" where or how it's going, don't think "but s/he is a great person," but think about your relationship. If you're rarely comfortable with the person, then you either need more time or you need to move on.

For most cases, it seems to me to be the most useful method for assessing dates and longer relationships.

Final Response to the Shadchan

Shadchanim and others often don't realize that you are entitled to your own feelings and you have a right to be happy. On the other hand, this gets especially difficult if you yourself don't know what it is that you feel. In my final e-mail to the shadchan, I partially expressed this point.

Recently, you have suggested several people to me as potential matches, beginning with my only serious ex-girlfriend. Although we discussed the matter briefly, I think that it might help if I elaborate on some of my feelings.

First, I will admit that I've always been skeptical of professional shadchanim. Unlike friends who try to set me up, shadchanim usually do not really know me. Consequently, few suggestions could really be classified as a "good match." rarely have a sense of what would be a "good match." It's difficult for a shadchan to be looking out for my interests when s/he does not pay attention to what my interests are. Even when I try to specify what it is that I'm looking for, I often find myself being ignored and shadchanim set me up with people based on their own perceptions or desires, not mine.

Regarding X, I could understand you suggesting her if you had forgotten that we went out. Obviously, since we had dated for a year then it certainly would have made sense to suggest it. However, it is inappropriate to persist in pushing this suggestion once you know that we had dated for a relatively long time. In addition to the year dating, X and I had been friends for a few years prior. Unlike a typical one or two shidduch date, we do know each other quite well and we both invested a great deal in the relationship. If it didn't work out, then one could assume that there were issues serious enough that they would not simply be resolved by someone suggesting "oh, why not try again." If anything were to change that would be a discussion exclusively between me and X. I realize that you are also looking out for X, but when a shadchan makes a suggestion, s/he should be concerned with both parties, not just one.

I realize that as a professional shadchan you've had much success in setting up people. Whatever system you use or intuitions you have obviously worked for many people. However, I also recognize that I am not a typical single. Unlike many people I've met I've thought extensively about who I am and with which types of people I'm most compatible. I try to be honest with myself as to who and what I'm looking for, and I have a fairly accurate intuition about whether or not a suggestion is a good idea for me (and especially after a few phone calls). In general, I like knowing before hand some reasons as to why someone thinks I'd be good for her as well as why she'd be good for me. Not only does it help give me a better idea of the person, but it also helps my understanding of the shadchan and how well s/he really knows who I am and the type of relationship for which I am looking.

Conclusions

In the end is anything easier? No one can create the perfect mate, and we are all vulnerable to unrequited love. What I hope is that for those still dating to think about what made you happy. What was it about those people. More than what, how did they make you happy. When you have an idea of what relationship you're looking for, then you can try to find people with whom you would most likely find compatibility. If a shadchan sets you up, use your intuition based on what the person tells you.

In terms of finding people, go through the traditional routes of networking and even some of the more high-tech ones. Despite my experience, SawYouAtSinai is still a great tool for getting your name out there. Your own experience will depend on the particular shadchan you use, just like in real life. If you don't want to go through a middle person, browse Frumster and see whom you find.

Whatever the case, remember that a relationship is about two people and their feelings and interactions with each other. Because of this, you should never forget that you are entitled to your own feelings. You don't need to be pushed or forced into a relationship where you're not happy. You don't need to rationalize why he or she is not your type. It is up to you to sort out your own feelings, and it is up to you to act on them how you see fit. Once you're in a positive relationship then the two of you will need to work together to maintain what you have.

All this might seem obvious, but I haven't heard anyone articulate it. Unfortunately, it is the obvious which often gets most ignored.

Throughout a marriage, characteristics and people can and will change. Looks come and go. Interests mature, regress, or change. As life throws its many curve-balls, what will hold a marraige together is not whether someone is "intelligent" or "nice." Ultimately what will make a marraige work is the relationship that two people share. If people are satisfied in their relationships - whatever needs they have are satisfied - then the marraige will be able to sustain.

This is just my take on dating and marriage. If you find it useful or helpful, wonderful. If you don't, find something else that works for you. After all, that's really the whole point of this post.

1. Not that people haven't tried.

The post YUTOPIA's Guide To Jewish Dating appeared first on YUTOPIA.

Loyal readers of the site know of my own difficulties in dating in the Orthodox world. I fully admit that I am hardly an expert on love and relationships, and I've experienced more than my share of disappointments. Without starting a flame war of who is more to blame, I'd like to try to re-frame what many people already know and explain why things work the way they do, and offer an alternative mode of thinking. Before I get to my own perception, I'd like to relate the following anecdote.

A little while back, I had a negative experience with the online shadchan network www.SawYouAtSinai.com.¹ At the persistent suggestions of some friends, I signed up for the free site. After you complete a profile, you chose one primary shadchan and up to two secondary shadchanim. One of my three choices was someone who is very highly regarded, and I had even worked with on one occasion.² Within minutes of confirming my selection of her, I get an e-mail saying that the shadchan has a potential match for me. So I'm thinking she really is good, or at least is really serious about setting people up. So I log in to see whom she considers to be an appropriate match:

My ex-girlfriend.

Some general background here is in order. After knowing this person for several years, we decided to go out, and we dated for almost a year. This was hardly a typical shidduch which lasts a maximum of 4 dates. We got to know each other really well during this time, and for whatever reasons, it didn't work out. After investing much time and emotional energy in this relationship, still decided it wasn't right, a shadchan decides that it's a good idea for us to date again. Knowing the ex had nothing to do with this, I was annoyed at the shadchan.

Frustrated, I let the e-mail sit for a while and focused on school assignments to calm down.³ Then I get the following message:

You never got back to me if you would be interested in meeting X, I think she would be a perfect match for you. She lives in [deleted] and she is a great friend of mind. From your profile it seems it would be perfect, except maybe for the Isreal [sic] issue, but we can work on that.⁴

Please let me know your thoughts.

By this point, I had calmed down. I gave the shadchan the benefit of the doubt - perhaps she didn't realize we had dated for a year and is making an honest suggestion. That we dated for so long would indicate that it would obviously be a legitimate suggestion. So I politely reminded her.

Also, I know X; we dated for almost a year. In fact, I met you one Shabbat when X and I visited the [deleted].

My thought was that now she has two plausible possibilities. Either 1. move on and look for someone else or 2. inquire as to the nature of the relationship to get a better understanding of who I am and for what I am looking. Of course, we got option 3. Abject cluelessness.

Does this mean you are not at all interested in pursuing X!! Any hope there?????????

The shadchan persists fully knowing that we had an extended serious relationship. I respond as follows:

This is not an issue of me pursuing X. We tried, it didn't work out. Unless you would have a detailed understanding of what was wrong and a reasonable expectation that things would be different, there doesn't seem to be a point in trying again.

If the shadchan understood the relationship, and could give a reason why things would be better, I'd be open. Of course, at no time did the shadchan take the time to ask me about the relationship.⁵ Ignoring my last e-mail, the shadchan writes:

To be completely honest, I know X very well and I would love to talk to you about it. I would not do it over the e-mail. My phone # is [deleted] or I can call you which ever you want. Just let me know.

The next day, she leaves a message on my cell phone.⁶ Now, I'm just livid. Cooling off some more, I call her back the next day. Oblivious to my previous e-mails, she simply says that she thinks we should try again. No understanding of the previous relationship, no suggestions for how things would be different, just simply "give it another shot." I politely explained that there didn't seem to be a point, and quickly got off the phone.

Some suggested to drop the shadchan and move on, and in the end I did since she obviously did not have my interests in mind.⁷ Friends of mine know how upset I was at this point. Not at the ex, who I stress is completely innocent in all of this, but at the shadchan and her mentality of dating and relationships. Next post, I will offer my interpretation of what happened here, why it's endemic to most singles, and some suggestions for improvement.

1. I'm not the only one; check out Meredith's recent misadventures.
2. She had suggested a person, whom I later met by chance at a Shabbat meal and we never actually went out. Skipping bizzare and juicy details, a mutual friend told me afterwards, "Yeah, I also thought of setting you guys up, but then you met each other."
3. How sad is that?
4. One of our issues is that I plan on making aliyah eventually, while she does not. Based on conversations and experiences, I've realized "work on that" is really a code for "we'll make you give in eventually." As an aside, I've been working on my thoughts about dating an aliyah, and should be posting that shortly either here or at Kumah.
5. In fact she later said, "I don't know, I don't want to know."
6. I gave it as contact info for my profile.
7. When she told the ex of this story, she added that I shouldn't even be on the site in the first place.

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Considerable research conducted by Frumster has revealed that a 'lack of a membership fee' causes many sincere Orthodox singles to hesitate in using the service. These individuals are unanimous in their critique that a free service is an indication of both an insincere service and potentially insincere members.

This is a tough call. Assuming insincere people will be scared off by the new pay system, many of the existent members only signed up because it was a free service - which is how Frumster became as popular as it is. My sense is that web communities such as this succeed when there is a large and diverse population. When the site is free, it encourages many different types of individuals to sign up - even for the simple "why not" factor. This new financial effort will probably dissuade some of these people from signing up.
Furthermore, if Frumster hasn't worked for existing members until now, what incentive would they have to pay for the service - especially when the odds of finding someone appropriate will diminish? I'm curious as to how many existing members would be willing to pay for a service which hasn't worked for them.
I'm not even sure how effective the new scheme will be as a filter. Some of you may remember my Frumster Rant some time ago. Of people that I've recently contacted, 7 have not responded - even with the automated rejection. (I'm too nice to directly link to their profiles). My point is that many people (men and women) are just clueless about basic social etiquette. Charging for use of the service isn't going to help.
The way Frumster presents this reason, it seems that they themselves might not even believe it to be true. Rather, they are just presenting the perception of potential or existing users.
However, regardless of their reasons, I think this new system is more than justified. The team has worked hard to make the site work, and as we know, there is no "free lunch." Whether or not any of their reasons are accurate, the bottom line is that much work went into creating and maintaining Frumster, and they deserve something back.

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The organizer wrote up a form with "basic" information. I don't know how seriously the participants used the forms - it's possible they just used the names had the "sponsors" describe the singles - but disliked several of the questions asked. Independently, each question provides some information about a person and perhaps indicate if X would be shayachet for Y. As a unit, many of these questions are insufficient or inappropriate to describe the entirety of a person.
For example, here are the 10 questions from the form (in addition to personal background info like occupation, school, etc) with my comments. I copied the questions as they appeared on the form and as you will see, many are horribly phrased. Also, the questions are presented in the order in which they were received, but order should not be confused with importance.

1. Do you/are you looking for someone who intends to cover her hair?
Some may consider hair covering as merely a religious barometer, like a guy wearing a black hat (see below). The major difference is that there are actual halakhot of married women covering their hair. Consequently, if a woman does not plan to cover her hair, or she plans to cover her hair not in accordance with Jewish law,² then she would not be appropriate for a significant population of the Orthodox dating pool.

2. Do you/are you comfortable with (a girl) wearing pants?
Awkwardly phrased. The gist is if you're a girl, do you wear pants, if you're a guy, do you care? This infers from the culture religious issues of modesty, but the halakha is not as clear cut as the hair covering. As phrased, this promotes stereotypes of what modesty is halakhic or socially acceptable. Some context would help, as there are many times when pants would actually be more modest than a skirt. At any rate, whether or not one agrees with the implications of women wearing pants, it's a practical question for determining if two people from the vast modern orthodox community would be appropriate.

3. Do you/are you comfortable with (a boy) wearing jeans?
I don't understand this one at all. Maybe on some level wearing jeans has some religious implications and indicate where someone is "holding" religiously. It might be a factor for some people, but in my opinion, not enough to make a top 10.

4. Do you/are you looking for (a boy) who intends to wear a hat?
Like #3 this one is directed to the right end of modern orthodoxy. Depending on the people involved, this may or may not make a top 10.

5. Do you plan on having a television in your home?
Interesting idea, but horrible presentation. It's a religious indicator, but I don't think television should be reduced to a simple yes/no, good/bad dichotomy. Instead, I suggest the following scale (work in progress):

1. I tape the weather channel to see what I missed.
2. I talk about Rachel, Ross, and Joey like they're real people.
3. Just give me Law and Order and the Simpson's.
4. Nothing but PBS and the History Channel.
5. I need it for the VCR...and the news.
6. Box of Satan.

This way you find out not only religious beliefs, but some degree of personality (or lack thereof)

6. Do you plan on attending movies with your spouse?
This one is even more vague than the TV question. What type of movies are we talking about? Finding Nemo? Yentl? Sallah? School of Rock? Blazing Saddles? Lord of the Rings? The Big Lebowski? Dogma? Sound of Music? Rocky Horror Picture Show?³ Furthermore, you could plan on sneaking out to see the movies by yourself without your spouse, or even rent them.

7. Do you/are you looking for someone who will be learning or engaged in a profession?
Is this a choice? My spouse can either be learning or engaged in a profession? Do I want a stay at home wife? Kollel husband? Applicable to a small percentage of modern orthodoxy, this question might be more of a personality indicator than a religious one.

8. Do you/are you looking for someone who will learn on a regular basis?
Regularly setting aside for learning establishes Torah as an important part of Jewish life. Children who see their parents learning may come to value Torah more themselves, or minimally not get as cynical at a society which asserts the importance of Torah and then promptly neglects it.
I just wonder if this applies to women learning too.

9. Do you/are you looking for someone who will attend minyan on a daily basis?
Yet another religious indicator (noticing a pattern?), but practically useless for a marriage, especially once kids come.

10. Are you a Kohen?
According to halakha, a Kohen cannot marry a divorce or a convert and the convention is not to set up kohanim with people who have questionable Jewish lineage. Very important question.
Most of these questions attempted get a religious sense of a person. While society is obviously important in a modern orthodox society, many of the questions are irrelevant to having a successful marriage. Several questions merely reinforce harmful stereotypes of what is and what isn't religious. On the other hand, if people think in these stereotypes then these questions may be useful. So my question is, for men and women, what are the top 10 questions you think would be most applicable to the most people in the modern orthodox community? What questions would best define you as a man or woman?

The goal here is not to tell everything about a person, but to have a sense if two people would be compatible. Also, the questions have to be phrased in such a way that they will be useful. People don't always like thinking about themselves, or would just lose patience with a long survey. More questions would help, and so would asking how important an issue is to someone. For example, I may not want a TV, but I won't care if my spouse does.

Grayson Levy does a great job of this with Frumster. He asks a nice mix of religious and personal questions, and he forces members to express themselves beyond simple multiple choice questions.

I also acknowledge that most of the forms tell more about the person who constructs them than it does about the singles.
Anyone else have suggestions?

1. Not to be confused with kiddush or shabbat lunch. This at least has no pretense of being anything else but a shmooze fest.
2. Or at least the "Jewish law" as understood by the guy, or more realistically the guy's rabbi. I'm not going to discuss here the laws of hair covering and what is "real" halakha and what is custom. My point is that if a guy thinks that what a woman plans to do is forbidden, don't set up those two people.
3. My personal opinion is that some of these movies are assur to see, others are mehuyav on everyone. No, I will not say which is which. My father likes to tell following story from R. Faur's shiur. One day R. Faur said the only movies which are mutar are cartoons and westerns. After naively seeing Fritz the Cat (or part of it at least), he then told his shiur that cartoons are also assur.

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I'd like to address some of the issues raised in the subsequent correspondence. I tried to address the phenomenon of why women would want nice guys as "just friends" as opposed to a more serious relationship. I argued that when a guy is loyal, considerate, emotionally sensitive etc. the woman would have the primary effect of a relationship without the commitment, employing the metaphor of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

This was just my attempt at explaining a phenomenon. Obviously, relationships are as complicated as the participants. Many people suggested contributing factors as "two sides of the same coin," but the complexities more closely resemble AD&D dice. However, I couldn't very well write about relationships with disclaimers every five sentences.¹ That's what followups are for.

Most people responded to the following scenario: woman breaks up with guy using the ever popular "you're really nice, but..." line. Most of the time, this completely ends the relationship. My theory applies more to women who don't want to date someone, but still want to maintain some friendship with the guy. I'm not saying that women should just continue dating someone just because. It's possible the woman has her own legitimate reasons for not wanting to marry a guy, and she has her own reasons for not articulating them. I was taking the woman at face value: 1. that she thinks the guy is nice and 2. she just doesn't "feel" it or see it going anywhere and that is why she is ending the relationship.

There could be any number of reasons why a woman wouldn't want to continue dating a particular nice guy. She might not like the way he looks, they could have incompatible career goals, etc. Sometimes men come on way too strong which is also a turnoff. I also must stress that "niceness" is not a substitute for "personality." Simply going through the motions of politeness just means you've been trained well - but it doesn't say anything about who you are.² Niceness might not cause a breakup, but niceness alone will not lead to marriage. If I may get biblical, sur mera must be followed by ase' tov.

Can mixed friendships exist as healthy relationships? I think so under certain circumstances.³ Being able to talk to the other gender is not only useful for advice or different perspectives, but it also trains people to view the other gender as "people." As early as high-school (perhaps earlier) the Orthodox world indoctrinates men and women about the dangers of temptation.⁴ The intent is admirable - to prevent rampant immorality and various other forms of sinning - and for the most part it succeeds (or at least better than the alternative). There is however an unintended consequence. By constantly emphasizing the avoidance of temptation, one is in fact placing temptation at the forefront. If every time I look at a woman I think, "must...avoid...temptation," then I am really looking at the woman as a sex object to be avoided, rather than as a person.⁵

On the other hand, there can be downsides as well (aren't there always). The hurt of the rejection will be proportional to the feelings felt by the rejected person. If these feelings are too strong, then a person might not be able to "get over" the rejection while maintaining a friendship. To use another personal example, there was a woman whom I liked and dated, and we broke up in the typical fashion. When I found that maintaining contact was too difficult for me emotionally, I withdrew. Recently, I was able to speak to her about a personal event,⁶ and she provided very useful insights.

As I mentioned, relationships are complicated and no single theory will account for all cases. However, this doesn't mean we shouldn't think about it and see what patterns have effected our own personal lives. For yet another perspective, see this salon article which comes courtesy of Dr. Manhattan.⁷

On that note, the poll results are in. With a whopping 68 people voting:
49% - Stay nice - just stop being such a wimp (33 votes)
43% - Stay nice - Something good will turn up eventually (29 votes)
6% - Get a complete attitude adjustment - might require mental reprogramming and/or lobotomy (4 votes)
3% - Stay nice - might not work for you, but why should everyone else lose out? (2 votes)

The clear majority says I should stay nice, with some discrepancy as to how or why. Some are pure optimists, while most voted that I should develop some sort of spine. I will start by not letting a silly internet poll determine my behavior. (I've been getting better at being nice without becoming a doormat and I will continue to do so).

I've also tracked down one of the people who suggested the lobotomy, and I'm looking for the others.

The final 3% of you are just selfish bastards.

1. And really, who reads footnotes?
2. Ignoring for now how long someone should give as a chance to "be him/herself"
3. Yes, I have seen When Harry Met Sally.
4. For more details and what some people are doing about it see End The Madness.
5. Before people start yelling at me about this, I'm not saying that we should let everything go. I'm just saying that there can be unintended consequences. When I was in Gruss a few years ago, R. Miller gave us mussar that married couples were too friendly with other's spouses. He did not elaborate as to what "too friendly" meant, but I can assure nothing major happened. I think that this mentality reinforces how the people were raised in treating interactions with women as primarily being sexual.
6. The ".5" from the last post found this website.
7. Who ironically lives in the Bronx now.

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"Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"

The usual interpretation is that since men are only interested in one thing. Once they get it, they would see no need for a commitment i.e. marriage. I think the same logic holds true for women. Assume the popular myth that women want an emotional connection of some sort. If there is a "nice guy" around, she can the emotional support she needs from someone without having to commit. She may be able to confide in him, have him work around her apartment, help her with just about any crisis, and she doesn"t have to make any sort of commitment back to him. The guy will obviously put up with it, because after all, he's "nice" and this is what nice people do.
So if there's a person who is willing to do all this for you - with nothing in return, why would you consider a serious relationship with this person" You can go find someone else who is cooler, richer, better looking, or anything else and still have that "nice" person around when you need him or if nothing else works out.
Cow, Milk, Free.
I should note that there can be exceptions - in my case roughly 1.5 exceptions.⁵ But overall, I see that there can be a few options and I"m opening this up to discussion. What should people like me - us "nice guys" - do to get out of this?
The poll is open and will be for about two weeks. Comment as necessary below.
Poll Has Been Closed
See the followup post: Waiting On A Friend
The poll has now been closed, You may still view the results or if you're too lazy to click the link:
43% - Stay nice - Something good will turn up eventually (29 votes)
3% - Stay nice - might not work for you, but why should everyone else lose out" (2 votes)
49% - Stay nice - just stop being such a wimp (33 votes)
6% - Get a complete attitude adjustment - might require mental reprogramming and/or labotomy (4 votes)

1. We were supposed to have had a third date sometime in there, but I got stood up.
2. Intentionally omitting details.
3. Which reminded me of the most comical breakup line I once got from someone in Israel: "I can"t go out with you anymore, because if I keep speaking to you, it would be bad." How true. How very true.
4. I'm not talking about guys who come on too strong. I can understand how guys who throw themselves at women aren't terribly attractive, and could probably use the system
5. No, I will not elaborate.

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Person 1 (intentially leaving out their screen name) messages me with a "Hey - What's up?" I was planning on ignoring it until somone who will remain nameless for now said that it's hard for girls to be so forthcoming. So I politely responded. Then I get the generic message that she read my profile and doesn't think we're compatible. Meredith suggested that she could be a "Frumster Spammer" which I suppose is possibly, but unless she's a hacker, she'd still have to look at my profile before sending a message. "What's up" indeed.

Person 2 lives in England, doesn't want to make aliyah, and isn't even sure if she wants to relocate. She simply said, "Hey Josh, I likeyou rprofiel!!!" (sic). Best I could respond was "Thanks!" Then she e-mailed me asking if I'd consider living in London. For the record, I never want to be accused again of moving to fast.

Look, there are obvious problems with the dating world which have been explored at length elsewhere. Grayson Levy starts up a great free website to help people out, and yet people still can't take the time to use it properly - or perhaps they're just illiterate or confused by the color scheme.

My suggestion: A programmer with sufficient free time on his/her hands should implement an "Intelligence Factor" based on typos in a person's comments and e-mails which would help weed out some people. Downside would be the increased odds of such people hooking up and eventually breeding....

Never mind.

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