This expectation no doubt can put a tremendous strain on a marriage, which some rabbinical schools attempt to address as part of the training process. Most of my colleagues in Yeshiva University's rabbinical school were already married, but I do remember being told that those who were still single should not only look for a wife, but also a rebbitzen. Perhaps more helpfully, Yeshivat Chovevei Torah includes spouses in the rabbinic training program itself:

...we have instituted a monthly support group for spouses. YCT realizes that the role of rebbetzin is a complex one. Women come from varied personal and professional backgrounds and anticipate different degrees of engagement in their husbands' professional lives. The support group, facilitated by a rebbetzin who is also a social worker, allows exploration of these issues and provides opportunities for students' wives to talk with other rebbetzins who come to New York specifically for group meetings.²

It is clear that in addition to normal marital difficulties, rabbinic couples often must face additional if not magnified tensions. One such overlooked area of potential discord is, ironically, the matter of familial religious practice itself.

Conventional wisdom dictates that a healthy marriage is based on mutual trust, understanding, and a sense of equality and partnership. But while both the rabbi and rebbitzen may be equally passionate about their observance, the husband - by virtue of his rabbinic education - will be more knowledgeable than his wife in matters of religious observance. Thus, any religious dialogue will necessarily be unbalanced.

In order to convey this point, I will give a few general examples from my own experience in dating. In once particular instance I once found myself arguing over the proper use of a microwave in terms of kashrut. I was arguing my position based on my understanding of Yoreh Deah and she steadfastly held by whatever her rabbi said, regardless of whatever source I would happen to quote.³

In another relationship I found myself unable to even engage in the text themselves with my significant other. If I assumed a role of superiority I would come across as patronizing and condescending. On the other hand, if we exchanged as equals she would not be able to engage with sufficient textual and contextual background.

To be sure these exchanges may have been unique to my relationships, and I should remind the reader that I am still single after all. However I suspect these sorts of exchanges are not uncommon among other married rabbinic couples in some form or another.

Consider first that successful rabbis must already compromise on religious observance for their communities i.e. they know which stringencies and which leniencies are appropriate for their congregations. But at home one would suspect the rabbi would have some control over his own observance, if nothing else as a spiritually stabilizing element in his life.

Secondly, for a rabbi halakhic observance is not subject to negotiation like dishes, driving, or diapers. It is a way of life determined by ones understanding of technical legal sources imbued with religious significance, not to be traded for taking out the garbage.

Finally, even mature compromises will not prevent every possible conflict. For example, assume a rabbinic couple takes a position of respectful autonomy - where the husband and wife agree to follow their own understanding of Jewish law. This arrangement will only sustain until such time as one requires the other to compromise on their own expectation of religious independence.

Like any relationship dispute, the greater point of contention or seriousness of the dispute, the greater the tension. And just like "normal" marriages, rabbinic marriages sometimes do end in divorce. But given that rabbis and rebbitzens often live long and happy lives together, it is clear that none of these issues of religious tensions are necessarily insurmountable and that healthy couples can live together even with persistent religious disagreements.

I suppose the rabbinic couples may be considered role models after all.

The post Religion, Romance, and Rebbitzens appeared first on YUTOPIA.

However Jewish society has discriminated against both men and women in leadership positions for generations, often with the communal complicity of self-identified feminists. I am referring here to the expectations and demands of the Rabbi's wife, better known as The Rebbitzen.

The position of Rebbitzen is unusual in that it is more social than an occupation, yet it assumes innumerable obligations to the community. As the son of a longtime pulpit rabbi, I have observed first hand how much my mother did - and does - for the community, often without recognition let alone compensation. Depending on the community, rebbitzens can be expected to do any number of the following tasks:

• Entertain: shopping / cooking / cleaning / playing hostess
• Organize and run shul functions and programs such as events, Shabbat groups / day care, or kiddushes
• Accompany her husband to communal and private functions in an official role
• Train bat mitzvah girls
• Give classes
• Answer halakhic questions
• Provide personal counseling
• Anything else the community demands or expects.

Furthermore, the rebbitzen is often expected to do all these things while raising a family and likely holding down a job on her own.

There are some synagogues which disclose their expectations of the rebbitzen up front in the job description or contract, in which case it is up to the couple to accept or decline the position. But even in these instances, the salary offered by the synagogue rarely takes into account the labor and time required of the rebbitzen in which case she is essentially expected to work for the shul without proper compensation.

This reality would appear to violate the feminist dictum of "equal pay for equal work." As described by the National Organization for Women:

Women still are not receiving equal pay for equal work, let alone equal pay for work of equal value. This disparity not only affects women's spending power, it penalizes their retirement security by creating gaps in Social Security and pensions. [Emphasis Added]

Given that a rebbitzen may perform similar functions as her husband - often providing coverage if the rabbi is indisposed - then it is hard to argue that she is not providing similar value to the congregation with minimal if any payment in return.

While such an arrangement may not be consistent with feminist ideals, it is obviously financially beneficial to the communities. In fact the inequality is continually perpetuated by congregations not only their treatment of the rebbitzen, but even in the search process of a new rabbi. Based on my reading of placement lists, the majority of congregations seeking rabbis will only seriously consider married couples even though being married is not necessary to perform rabbinic duties. Even though this type of discrimination is very likely illegal, congregations often ignore the law and their own sense of purported ethics in the prospect of getting cheap, if not free, labor.¹

My intent is not to disregard the perceptions of gender-inequality in Jewish society - for the moment I will accept them at face value - but I would like to use the example of the rebbitzen to reframe the conversation. For better or worse, the reality is that Jewish culture (and perhaps all cultures) accepts and legitimates various forms of discrimination, and it is hardly rare for individuals to compromise their beliefs when it is expedient to do so. If the goal of a Jewish community is to incline towards egalitarianism, then it must be willing to do so even it is socially and financially inconvenient. Otherwise, Jewish feminist advocacy will be rightly considered by critics as specific issue-driven politics, rather than a commitment to a true ideology of equality.

The post Defending the Rebbitzens appeared first on YUTOPIA.